BEER  DIET

The "Beer-Me" Diet


It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from

 an all-carbohydrate to an all -protein mix. I have another suggestion,

 one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet.

 Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

Fact: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and

 the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

Fact: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories

 for women, 1,500 for men, if you  want to lose the medically safe two to

 three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at

 least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

Fact: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out

 almost immediately, leading to a  consistent workout regimen including

 deep knee bends (getting out of the  chair), fast walking (very good for

your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

Fact: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't

 necessarily  tired. All that added rest is  certain to help any problems you

 may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those

 other fad diets.

 In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?"

 When  you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and

Possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

Fact: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of

 consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to

 Consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart

 attacks.

Fact: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only

 Rule  is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at

 least  half  of  the day's required beers. This way the food will probably

 only stay in  your  body a short time, until you again exercise the deep

 knee bends, quick  walk  and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"

 stomach crunches.

Fact: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise

Are  common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as

 Is  chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize

 your  workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a

 waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get

 someone else a  beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan

 than yourself.

Fact: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.


Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet

 implementation.


Caution: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the

work week by only the staunchest of dieters.


Monday through Thursday: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.


Friday: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to

favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process

 (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).


Saturday: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling

 Slightly  smaller after expunging any food that you may have

Accidentally  consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from the 7

 Eleven). Take  aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in

 food, anyway.

Saturday (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not

returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an

ongoing discussion with "the dog t 364 hat bit you." This is a good thing,

 as  only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and

 You  still don't feel hungry.


Sunday (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very

convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully

 implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being

 played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the

 Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day

 should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon.

 Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time.

Monday: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly

 mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming

 weekend.